2015 in retrospect

2015 has been a year of recovery. not the first word nor last on the subject, but it has been a focal point. this is a recovery from years of trauma, struggle, displacement and isolation. i have properly begun the difficult job of unpacking my childhood traumas and conceits.

i turned 21, which came alongside the growth into adulthood that has followed my difficult past few years. to me this has meant the process of uninternalizing adolescent arrogances and becoming more confident in myself and informed in my relationship to the world. i have worked to develop a sense of self following years of struggling with identities projected onto me.

ive come to understand myself better, especially in gender, politic, and mental illness. ive came to terms with my bpd, which has been a massively helpful frame for better understanding my inner & interpersonal struggles. ive been learning to make affordances for myself, learning that needs are okay, learning to not scrutinize myself. learning i don’t need to do it to others either. ive learned to remove myself from places and ways of thinking i dont wish to be. “it’s ok.” has been a frequent phrase in my internal monologue in soothing my anxieties and paranoias. ive become steadily more at peace as a result. ive come to value modesty and quiet more, sensations that feel so pristine after being deprived of them. ive broadened my perspectives, learned to let myself be vulnerable, and opened myself to new things outside my previous comfort zones. ive found love for bicycling, breadmaking, linens, vinyl, performance arts, rhetoricism, cultural preservation  and obscure media. the act of soothing has become very important to me.

ive become resolute in my politic, the result of a year and some’s worth dedication to reading classic and contemporary marxist-leninist wratings and a general effort to inform and reevaluate myself, especially on the grounds of global affairs. this has also brought me a sense of peace. if socialism is about eliminating contradictions from society, then i have taken to the task of eliminating my internal contradictions.

if a single word could exist alongside “recovery” to define 2015, it is family. without family, there would have been no recovery. after falling apart, all i had was people to tell me they loved me. and only with their support & friendship have I been able to recover and grow past my wounds in the way I continue to. the importance of family & genuine community has been reaffirmed to me. local culture has become very important to me.

in 2015 i moved to olympia. although the west olympia suburb has not been kind to me, i hope to start 2016 off fresh living downtown. the transition has been difficult, leaving me disconnected from comfortable places & precious friendships made only months earlier. i have slowly grown to love this place, and hope to become more active in it.

this year has seen my highest creative output ever despite spending half a year on a thing I decided to abandon. in truth, this reflects the level at which external factors have restricted me in the past, but also reflects how coming into myself has enabled me creatively. i have released many projects, collaborated, and begun taking contracts again. I programmed a game boy, made chip music, learned unity, placed #8 in ludum dare, and worked on a cool VN w/ great people. i have also lost $100 in monthly patreon pledges, and financial anxieties are high.

these ever-present financial anxieties have begun affecting me less. i have become more confident in my ability to make money, and that i am far from alone in support.

i have learned that i do not need to engage the monolith of games culture or those who dignify it to be active in games. my creative interests have been affirmed in the face of finally not having any shits left to engage the frequently milquetoast discourse. in a sense, i feel liberated from the constrains of others outlooks. and also in that sense, i feel liberated from the need to define my art in specific consumable ways. my recovery has impeded extending myself in the ways i have wanted, but im sure 2016 holds much for me.

it is easy to have aspirations and less easy to tell myself that i dont have to do them. sufficiency is a difficult sensation to content myself with, but a necessary one to counteract the conditioning of life under capitalism and life inside a self-immolating entertainment industry. sustainability seems set to be a theme for 2016, not just for me but for many. sustainability is a product of cooperation, so my feelings looking towards the future are an eagerness to organize and collaborate.


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